Abby, upset with her siblings: "Dad, I am the only one who has been cleaning the litter box half the time!!"
Abby and Dad see a neighbor, whom is involved in many religious charities, entering Christ's Table, a free soup kitchen:
Dad: "Oh, Look, it's Mrs. X and she's going into Christ's Table!"
Abby: "Oh, I worked there as a volunteer and you would be surprised at who comes in for free food!"
Thea got a new comfortor, etc for her bed today and was carrying it downstairs.
Dad: "Where are you taking that, it's brand new!"
Thea: "I'm gonna wash it! It has that new-clothing stink!"
Dad was helping Thea with her history homework and told Thea they would go over the material two more times: once later that evening and then again on the ride to school in the morning. Abby walked by, "Dad, what is the point of going over this stuff 3x a day? You cant learn by memorizing!!!"
Thea actually sent this text to Dad in her sleep!
At 12:26 a.m.!
"Will you make my braces right and make them fixed"
Mike, as he was about to call over Baxter, our dog: "Dad, watch this! Here, Dexter!"
Baxter's ears perked up and he moved towards Mike.
Mike, as he pet Baxter: "You don't know this, dog, but your name is now Dexter!"
Dexter rubbed up against Mike happily.
Abby, upset that Dad wouldnt let her drive in the newly fallen 4" of snow: "For Real??? They are not going to plow till 6 tonight!! I HAVE THINGS TO BUY!!!"
Thea: "Dad! I need a new bedspread!! Mine is so old that it has BUTTERFLIES ON IT!!"
Dad: "What is wrong with butterflies???"
Thea: "Dad! I am 13!!!"
Sam, on a very cool evening, turned on the air conditioning in the car full blast.
Dad: "Sam, What the heck!!! It's 48 degrees out! Why is the air on?"
Sam: "I'm cooling down my fries!!!"
Thea, in Brooklyn's Hassidic area: "Look, Mom!!! Four Amish!!!"
Abby, complaining after being dragged onstage at Blue Man Group: "Who wants a banana coming out of their chest?"
Mike, to Steve in NYC: "To get back, take the D to the F to the L to the 4."
The secretary at Sam's school called: "Mr. Tabatowski, Sam says it's okay for him to take the cast off his broken left hand to play football. I said no. Would you please talk to him?"
Sam: "DAD! They said it would be okay for me to take my cast off!!"
Dad: "Yes, to take a shower! Not to play football!"
Sam: "Ohhhhh!"
Dad was on one of his megawalks, this time in downtown Columbus, when a truck driver opened his door, half-stepped out, pointed and yelled "You're Walking Bob!!!! I've see you on TV!!!" A quick wave and salute sent the man happily on his way.
Dad: "Sam, come here and look at the photo I took four minutes ago of the storm clouds!"
Sam: "I saw it already on Facebook!"
Dad finished his daily walk and couldn't find his keys, so he punched in the keypad numbers and used the extra key to get home, fully confident that the missing keys were on the floor somewhere and that Thea would find them. But Thea couldn't find them. After Dad ate some oatmeal with bluberries he then took Thea to her pal Kammi's house. Then he decided to head back to the trail, 13 miles, to look for the keys, but they were not in the parking lot nor near the start of the trail, so he headed over to the Dresden Police station, which was open, but empty. After standing around for 4 minutes, he decided to write a note and leave. As he was leaving another guy came in. When told no one else was present, the new guy said "Oh, well, I was out running on the trail and found these while biking at the 3 1/2 mile mark!"
Sam was going off about "back in the day" when Mike cut him off: "Hey! You can't talk about 'back in the day'! You're still IN your day!"
Abby: "Dad, I text So much I think I might be getting hand-gitis!"
Dad and Abby were arguing about the color of the entryway, with Dad wanting a light, light yellow. "Dad!! Get a darker color!"
Dad: "But, Abby, George Harrison of the Beatles counseled 'Beware of Darkness'!"
Abby: "Well, I say BEWARE OF UGLINESS!!!"
Babci, asking about Eric who has been in Indiana for a week: "Have you heard from Eric?"
Dad: "Sure, we texted back and forth yesterday about sports. Does that count?"
Babci: "Of course not! It does NOT count!
Mom: "Where did you buy that pie?"
Dad: "At Fresh Foods, a Whole Foods wanna-be place."
Abby: "Well, everyone wants to be a Whole Foods Wannabe!"
Abby, after hearing Mom, Mike and Dad arguing about words: "I think we should just speak ONE language in this house: AMERICAN!!!"
Babci, surprised by Mike on his 4 day trip home: "MIKE! I am so glad to see you! Were you expelled????"
Thea: "Dad, nobody else in my class knew what a chickpea was!!"
Dad was in line at Kroger and the clerk, a lady of about 45, held up the vegetable we would have for dinner that night and asked "And what is this???"
Dad bemusedly replied "That's an eggplant."
Abby: "Dad, I watched the movies in our driver's training class last night and you are definitely an aggressive driver!!"
Dad: "And why am I an aggressive driver?"
Abby: "Because you swear!!!"
Dad: "When do I swear???"
Abby: "Dad, just the other day you dropped something heavy on your foot and you were swearing like crazy!!"
Thea: "Dad, who is Michael Vick? I hear them saying his name a lot!"
Dad: "Well, he is a famous football player, but he has done some bad things. He had dogs that fought against other dogs, and the losing dog would often die. It's illegal to do that and when he got caught, he went to prison for about 18 months. He has said he's sorry and he's playing football again. Do you think that's okay, because he did serve time in prison and he did apologize?"
Thea: "NO! Before they let him play again, they should make him bring those other dogs back to life!!!"
Abby: "Dad! This new frappacino with mint tastes like you're drinking Christmas!!!"
Cousin Jake: "Uncle Tommy, exactly HOW old are you??"
Dad: "I'm 61, Jake."
Jacob, gasping: "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! That is OLD!!!!!!!!!"
On our way to Detroit, we noticed that our mailbox had been smashed and Dad stopped a neighbor who said that over 60 mailboxes were smashed the night before. 3 days later we returned from Michigan to find a new mailbox! Dad asked a neighbor who also had a new box who said "The kids and their families who did this went around over the weekend, apologizing to everyone whose boxes they destroyed and then they replaced them."
Abby, who has been complaining that the basement is too cold: "Dad, moving the freezer downstairs will only make the basement COLDER!!!"
Thea: "Mom! I just started to like mustard this morning!"
It was Tuesday, 9:15 p.m., and Dad was on his way home from playing tennis. Mom, meanwhile, was on her way home from choir practice and Dad approached a major intersection which he knew Mom would have driven through just minutes before. The intersection was blocked with many emergency vehicles. Dad hurriedly called Mom, who answered with "No, dear, I wasn't in the accident, but it happened right in front of me as I was waiting for the light to change. I am the one who called 911."
Abby: "Do you know what I've noticed? Men who are married to doctors think they know EVERYTHING."
Sam, looking for his beloved object: "Where is my blankie, niggah?"
Abby to Dad: "I don't listen to Disney! I don't get manipulated! I watch MTV!!!"
Dad was prompting Sam to get ready for school and to finish blowing out his hair. Sam replied, "Dad, if you think it's SO easy, why don't YOU grow an Afro and blow it out???"
Dad and Sam were heading back to Zanesville, after dropping 2 friends off at their homes in Columbus, when Sammy realized he left his coat at the McDonald's at Easton Mall. The burger joint was packed with kids since the mall had just closed. Dad asked if Sam had his iPod or Flip camcorder. "No, they are in my coat." Dad proceeded to vent. A quick call to the store then produced this: "Sorry, Sir, nobody has handed the coat in. But I'll go out there and check." 3 minutes later he returned, "Sir, I found it! Every seat in here is taken by teens and somebody was sitting on your son's coat!" Yes, the iPod and camera were still in his pockets!
Mom and Dad were hugging goodbye on her way out the door, early one morning. Sam walked up and said "Mom, stop hugging Dad and get out there and make us some money!"
Abby, listening to a discussion about the thyroid gland: "Well, that's just wrong, calling it "the thyroid gland." If it's in the neck, they should call it the ''necroid gland,'' not the ''thyroid gland.'' The thyroid gland should be in the thigh!"
Abby: "You really can't tell Thea is adopted! She could have just been to a tanning bed for a really long time."
Sam was having a tennis lesson and effortlessly switched the racket from his right to his left hand to make a shot. Bev, the tennis coach, was surprised and stopped to ask Sam "Sammy, what other things do you do with your left hand?"
Sam: "Well, I punch people with my left hand!"
Sam reading that a plaintiff collected 1.5 million dollars after getting racist messages on his voicemail: "Wow! I wanna get racist messages on our voicemail!!!"
Sam, to his friend Gary while they were playing video games: "Gary, I want you to rock out as you have never rocked out before!!"
Gary: "But, Sam! I never HAVE rocked out before!!"
Thea: "Dad, those are my friends, Audrey and her twin brother, in that car!"
Dad: "Nice! Are they identical twins?"
Sam: "Dad, when I get married I want you to be the ring-bearer and I want my teacher, Mr. Price, to be the Best Man. I bet he throws a great bachelor party!!"
Dad was working out at the gym when Thea came over breathlessly: "Daddy! They are talking on the TV to a guy who was kidnapped and kept in a cage for seven months!" Dad, who notoriously hates all things Disney, blurted "For God's sake! Turn that off and turn on Disney!!"
Dad, making dinner, asked Mike to help out: "Mike, can you put pot of Big Water on, please?"
Babci called to say she was running late: "I am about two hours behind. I can't catch up with myself. I won't be able to make it to Mass." Dad's advice: "Go slower! That should do it."
Abby, disappointed that an overnight dusting did not lead to a school snow delay: "If it's not going to snow, then what's the point of having snow?"
Mom was talking to Tommy on her phone when she started panicking that she had lost her phone. "Where is my phone??? Abby had it last!"
Abby walked up to Dad while holding the cat for the one thousandth time. When Dad rolled his eyes Abby shot back that "Shadow is just not 'a cat.' Shadow is THE cat that this family has been waiting for!"
Though not technically a "heard," the following has to be passed along: Dad was working out in the gym, listening to a podcast on his IPhone and watching a TV show with the closed captioning on. The conversation on the tube was about prisons and the topic was "conjugal visits" which the closed-caption transcriptionist translated as "Con Jew Call visits."
Abby was complaining about something and Mom tried to console her with "Tomorrow is another day!" Abby angrily shot back "No, it's not!"
Dad and Mom were kissing in the kitchen when Abby walked by: "Ewwww! It is NOT 'Romance Day'!""
Dad and Eric were yelling at each other about obscure baseball facts and players and Thea became worried and implored them to "stop arguing!" Dad explained that he and Eric were just partaking in a time-honored tradition, that of the "Hot Stove League."
Thea: "Our stove does NOT leak!"
Thea: "Daddy, this Advil is the same color as my earrings!!!"
As we drove past an empty storefront, Abby glumly said that "Blockbuster went out of business because the boring people who live here wouldn't go there."
Dad was playing doubles in tennis and one of the other players made an anti-Obama joke. "Hey, watch it, I voted for Obama," Dad teasingly warned. "You VOTED for Obama?" the other guy shockingly asked. "I never actually met anyone who voted for Obama before."
Dad suggested eating at an Indian restaurant. Abby replied "Indian? Ewwwwww. Indian food is just gooey green stuff that's on your plate."
Thea was watching the movie "The Princess Bride" and it was its climactic point where Inigo Montoya spars with the Six-Fingered Man and says "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die, you son of a bitch!" Thea then asked "Dad, they had swear words in those days?"
Dad was bringing Abby and Thea home from Summer Camp and we drove directly next to a state prison and we could easily see the inmates, some of whom waved to us. Abby was afraid and hid by sliding low in her seat, but Thea stared back and then pondered "Dad, why are so many of them Black?"
Abby was angry because Thea supposedly made a "mess" in Abby's room: "I know it was Thea because she sneaks and she slams her door and when this happened I heard no door slam!"
We passed a police car at night and saw an elderly fellow standing beside a car. Thea said "It's an old guy." Dad said "Yeah, just like me," but Abby objected "You're not old, Dad." A relieved Dad said "God Bless You," but then Abby finished with "I've seen older!"
Cousin Jacob, 8, looking around our kitchen: "Uncle Tommy? You really should clean this house."
Abby: "Mom, is there a Friday this week?"
Mom walked by as Thea was watching a tv show and Mom asked what it was. "It's the "Little Rascals," Mommy." Mom then asked if it's the old or the new Little Rascals and Thea answered "It's the old Little Rascals. It was made in 1992!"
The talk at the dinner table turned to Jesus and Abby chirped up with "Well, Jesus couldn't do the disco, because he died too soon!"
Dad was listening to Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" on the car radio and Abby said "Dad, that sounds like something "The Fresh Prince of Belaire" would have on in the background."
Abby came home with crutches after spraining her ankle at dance. Thea, a day later, said "Dad, I am going outside to break my arm so I can get a cast!!!"
Dad was listening to Tony Bennett in the car. Abby got in and complained "Dad, do we have to listen to Olive Garden Music???
Sam: "But, Dad, I don't see what was wrong about me telling the teacher that a photo of a bottle of vodka should have been put on a class collage about "peace." After all, vodka is a spirit and spirits are peaceful!"
Abby: "Dad, I am not feeling well."
One second later, "Nevermind, I feel better now."
Sam, at 6:43 a.m.: "I finished my break-fast. It makes me brake fast and I will make sure you break fast."
Sam, 10: "I don't know if this is true or not, but when my girlfriend looks at me, I feel better."
Thea: "Dad, how old were you in 1924?"
Dad and Abby were in a Barnes and Noble and Abby wanted one of those junky, little 2 inch books that have 4 words in them that BnN sells next to their cash registers. Dad refused and Abby went into a major pout, uttered a few words and then stomped off. The cashier asked what her name was then said "Abby!" and Abby turned to see who was calling her. "I've seen your Dad in here before and you shouldn't be talking to him like that. He's a good father and he's nice and he's intelligent." Abby then rolled her eyes, "Yeah, he's intelligent. For a grown-up!"
Abby, in an exasperated mood: "Why doesn't Mike just turn 19 already and move out????"
Abby: "This reminds me of the time a few years ago, in Chicago, when we saw a guy in a speedo. A little too much information there! Steve Hartley was with us and I bet it burned his eyes out!!"
Dad, Eric and Mike were sitting around, discussing the elemental table and Dad came up with a brilliant idea: "They should name the next new element "Polonium," after the Polish-American community!"
Mike laughingly replied, "Dad, that's been an element since the 19th century."
Abby: "Dad, can you buy me a new I-Pod Touch?"
Dad: "No, sweetie. You already have a cell phone and an I-Pod."
Abby: "I know! I will sell the I-Pod I already have on Ebay for $800. If they don't buy it from me for $800, then I'll bump it up to $1200!!"
Sam: "Dad, are studios studious?"
Thea: "Dad, if this is 2009, is next year 2010?"
Dad, while driving: "Yep."
Thea: "How high does it go??"
Abby, after wearing her glasses for the first time to school: "I don't ever want to go to school again! Everyone was staring at me."
Dad, "They stared because they were looking at something new. After a few days they will not stare."
Abby: "Oh yeah? Well, why then did THREE people come up to me and say 'Why do you have glasses?' ?"
Thea saw Tommy's friend Thomas's car in our driveway and noticed the car's Georgia plates. "Do they speak English there, Dad?"
Mom, overcome by the fumes of two people eating omelettes in the same room, pulled her sweatshirt over the face. Mike then said "Mom, stop being so ova-dramatic!"
Abby: "I am tired of Mom telling us about poor kids who have nothing to eat! There are clams and crabs in the sand. Let them eat that!"
Abby, reading the morning paper: "Dad, what the heck? This drunk driver got hurt in an accident, but they sent him first to the hospital.That makes no sense! They should just put him in prison and let him die!!"
When told that Dad was making tortellini for dinner, Thea wrinkled her nose and said "Ewwww...I don't like turtles!"
Dad received a pre-recorded call on his cell that said "The factory warranty on your car may have expired. If this is so, please call yadayadayada." Dad's car is 9 years old and has 317,000 miles on it.
Dad and Eric took Babci to a funeral home, and as the funeral director opened the door to let us in Babci yelled "Back Off! BACK OFF!! I AM NOT NEXT!!!"
For what must have been the 20th time, Dad was showing Abby how to wash clothes and asked why Abby was planning on washing an apparently clean hoodie. "Dad! There are stains you can't see!"
Mike to Dad: "When I have kids, I'll let them watch Disney TV only after they've mastered a 3rd language."
We were at COSI, the state of Ohio's Kids Science Museum, in Columbus and were watching a presentation on optical illusions. The speaker asked the group of us, about 50 people, "And what happens when you yell real loud?" Before anyone else could answer, a tiny voice from a two or three year old clearly spoke out: "Mommy comes and spanks our butts!"
Dad and Sam were at a Steak 'n Shake in Columbus at dinnertime and it was empty. Sam, 10, looked around and said "No one is here because the economy is a piece of crap."
Abby, while petting the cat: "Dad, Shadow is like family to me! He's soft and cool."
Dad's blissful reading of the morning paper time abruptly ended when Thea ran up and cheerfully asked "How come dogs like to eat their PUKE?" To which Abby replied "So? She was probably hungry."
Dad caught Sammy, 10, smacking Thea, 9, and quickly admonished him. Sam wasn't convinced: "But, Dad! Under Thea's cute, little girly curls there are HORNS!!!!"
Dad was telling Abby that he might be getting a new, much smaller, car. An angry Abby shot back "Oh yeah? Then I quit Irish Dancing!"
Abby, talking to Dad: "Wow, you're almost 60! I am gonna have an old parent! Oh well."
Mike was watching a Chinese television program and Dad walked past and asked "Mike, how do you say 'Clean your room!' in Chinese?" Mike paused a second and said "Uh, I am a stupid old man?"
Abby, in the middle of an angry rant about Sam, suddenly veers sideways: "And those jeans you bought me? They're already no good and they're only a year old!"
In a Toronto hotel Abby asked Dad to buy a toy. Dad objected "No, Abby. These are the same stupid toys we have in the States." But Abby would not be deterred, answering "No, they are NOT! They cost more here!"
Cousin Jacob, 7, asked "Uncle Tommy, were you alive in the 1870's?"
Abby, who had been lobbying for her own room for several years, was sad the evening Thea moved out of their room and into her own. "Dad, I am sorry to see Thea move out of my room. She is kind of like family!"
Tommy, home from Russia, looked at Dad and said "You are looking a little gaunt. Perhaps you should stop losing weight." Dad weighs 176 lbs. Tommy weighs 127 pounds.
Dad and Sam were watching a weather bulletin which showed a line of severe thunder storms headed directly towards us. Sam worriedly groaned "Why is God torturing us?"
Mom: "I got no sleep last night."
Dad: "Yeah you did. I came in last night and you were snoring."
Mom: "Well, that doesn't mean I got sleep!"
Sam: "Mom, since there's "kidnapping," is there such a thing as "adultnapping"?
Mom: "Sure, every chance I get."
Dad found, on Ebay, an old Renaissance album that Mom had and loved once upon a time. When she was opening it, Sam asked what it was and Mom said "It's a lovely old album of songs from 1050 to 1650." Sam rolled his eyes and said "Oh, man, I can't stand music from the fifties."
Dad and Abby were in Columbus, on the freeway, when two cars raced past at what must have been 90 m.p.h.. A startled Abby blurted "Dad, look at those two idiots!! If they crash and die I am NOT going to their funerals!"
Abby: "Sammy, you are slow because your flank-lets are too big!"
Sam, 9: "When I grow up I want to be either a professional video game player or a Japanese food critic...or both!"
Babci said the rather improbable "I am the peacemaker in this family" over dinner and brought gasps of disbelief from Dad and Eric.
Dad bought a basking light for the turtles and Mike read aloud the side of the package which included the following "Provides beneficial UVA Rays important to the psychological well-being of all reptiles." Mike then cracked "What kind of country do we live in that we worry about the "psychological well-being" of our reptiles?"
Abby, walking though the room on her way to bed and saying goodnight to Dad and Mike: "Goodnight, fellowkins!"
Abby to Sam: "You have gym every day? That sucks, you are gonna wear out your legs!"
Sam was wrestling with Thea and yelled "Don't step on my Blankie. She's my very valuable wife!"
Dad, was remarking about the natural superiority of Michigan fans over Ohio State Fans: "And, Michigan fans read Plato in their spare time!" To which Mom immediately responded "No, Michigan fans play with play-dough in their spare time!"
Abby, 11, was grounded for teasing Sam.9. and offered up this defense: "Dad, you don't really know Sam. Just wait until you get to know him and his evil ways!"
Sam and Abby and Abby's friend, Michelle, were talking about Santa Claus and Michelle insisted that Santa was real and that one had to be good to get presents. Sam snorted "I've been naughty my whole freaking life and I still get presents."
Abby was listening, via the speakerphone, to a phone conversation of Thea's. Dad told Abby that eavesdropping was not allowed. Abby shouted back, "I was not eavesdropping, Dad, I was earsdropping!!"
Shadow, our cat, started meowing, asking for food. Sam immediately dropped to his knees, said "I speak Meow" and started meowing back to the cat.
Abby, when asked if she was nervous about her band concert which was in 60 minutes: "I am NOT nervous! My stomach is nervous, though, and feels real bad."
Dad was explaining the difference between "good drugs" and "bad drugs."
Sam: "What happens if you take bad drugs?"
Dad: "You can become addicted, which means you need them all the time."
Thea: "Then I am addicted to my blankie!"
Dad took Abby into a Chinese market. Abby looked around and whispered "Dad, I like normal food!"
Sam: "Dad, I want a baby brother or sister!"
Dad: "Sorry, Sam, but Mom and Dad are done having babies."
Sam: "No. I am gonna force you and Mom to mate and make another baby and you are gonna LIKE IT!"
Sam: "Dad, Carson, next door, is 6 now...all grown up!"
Dad told a friend she looked ill, that her color looked "bad." Abby immediately jumped in, "Dad, She has color INSIDE!"
Sam: "Dad, when my blankie dies I am gonna become a recluse."
The local radio station was doing a call-in contest concerning George Washington. "True or False: George Washington was a math wizard." Thea perked up and asked, from the back seat: "Dad, were you alive when he was president?"
The answer, by the way, was yes, Washington was a math wizard.
Abby, after listening to Eric and Tommy: "Why do Eric and Tommy both think they are gorgeous?"
Sam to Dad: "Dad, you are practicing bad dadmanship!."
Abby to Sam: "Sam, you are a retard. Don't you know you should never call anyone an idiot?"
Abby, in the mall: "Is this place getting crowdeder or am I getting smaller?"
Mike: "Dad, that slogan "Shoot for the moon. If you miss you'll land among the stars" should really say "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll drift until you die in a void of nothingness."
Abby to Mom and Dad: "You guys don't look like you're eighty!"
Abby: "When I'm 82, I'm going to be 42." Actually, Abs was confused. She was referring to her leap-year status. Considering that, when she'll be 82, she'll be twenty and a half.
Thea was crying. "Dad, Abby punched me!!" Abby replied "I did not punch her. I HIT her!"
Sam was describing Thea to a friend: "she looks skinny, but on the inside she's HUGE!"
We were at a festival that only had port-a-potties for relief. Thea complained very loudly that she didn't like using them. Dad replied that noone really likes using them. Thea shook her head no and said "well, probably some very weird person does like using them!"
Dad asked Abby if she could see any drummers in a video of a band that they were watching. Abby replied that "drummers aren't important. The person who sings, like Hannah Montana or Britney Spears, is important." Thea immediately said "Abby, Britney Spears is NOT important!"
Abby sounded tired and Dad said that it was time for bed. Abby: "Dad, can't you tell I was kidding?? By my accent?"
Thea, after watching 'The Diary of Anne Frank': "Mommy, I can't sleep. I am afraid Nazis will come here tonight!"
Sam's two friends, Malcolm and Jamal, tagged along with him when Dad took Sam for his weekly tutoring session. After the introduction Sam reached into his pocket and said "I'll give you 5 bucks if they can stay with me during the session!"
Abby: "Dad, guess what? Shadow brought a chipmunk into the house, then dropped it when Thea screamed and the chipmunk ran away and it's hiding in our basement!!" It took 20 hours to finally catch the little guy, upstairs in the new room.
Dad explained to Thea that her Godmother Stephanie just had a baby girl. "That makes her my God-baby-sister!"
Abby: "Dad, guess what? When we were at the beach we saw a guy wearing one of those Speedie-thingies. It didn't look right. I guess it's ok for the water, but not when he is out in the air."
Abby, in line at the airport and very loudly: "Mom, we could save a lot of money if you didn't have so many kids. If we didn't have so many kids we could have a hot tub, and marijuana..."
Mom: "What??? Marijuana????"
Abby: "Yes, those drinks that Dad likes, with salt and ice!!"
Cousin Jacob, 6, asked Babci the year she was born.
Babci: "Nine-teen twenty-three!"
Jacob: "Wow, you must be a million years old!"
Sammy, who is going into the 3rd grade, advising Thea, who is going into the 2nd grade: "Thea, if you chew with your mouth open, nobody will like you when you will be in 8th grade!"
Abby, telling Mom about Sam, "Do you want newspapers to say 'Tabatowski Child Says a Bad Word'?"
Dad and Sam were at Kmart and the cashier remarked on how much Sam has grown. Dad then said that Sam was halfway to legal driving age. "He's 6?" asked the cashier.
Dad, Abby, Thea and Thea's friend Cammi were snacking at a local McDonald's when three 16 or so year old teenaged girls sat across the aisle. Dad noticed our girls were staring at the older teens and quietly admonished them not to gawk. Abby: "But, Dad, we are gonna be them someday!"
Sam, watching Mom haul yet another box away to Goodwill: "Mom's on a Goodwill rampage!"
Abby to Mike: "Luckily I am not 13. I don't have to worry about my life like you do."
Abby to Mike: "I did not say that, you little liar. I am not the only liar in our family!"
Thea's friend Kammi, overheard talking to Thea: "Thea, I can burp the ABC's!"
Thea's friend Mikayla mentioned the word "hippy" and Sam asked what a hippy was.
Mikayla: "Hippies are those guys from the middle ages who had puffy hair!"
Abby and Mike were trading insults and Dad, in an attempt to end it, told Abby to "bite her tongue" instead of arguing.
Abby: "Dad, I already have enough marks on my tongue from biting it. If I get any more I'll have to go to the emergency room."
Dad pulled his hamstring while playing tennis and dropped in, with Thea, to the gym where good friend, and physical therapist, Phillip worked on it. When they got home Thea ran up to Abby and said "Abby, Phillip put the sander on Dad!"
Mom and Dad were comparing new cell phones with Mom sneering at Dad's text messaging, "How can you type on that thing, using those tiny little letters and numbers?"
Dad: "Wait a minute, you have emailed me several times from your phone!"
Mom: "Yeah, but that's different, that's email and not text messaging!"
Abby: "Mom, when I grow up will you guys still recognize me?"
Sammy: "Dad, if you and Mom were spiders and you wanted to mate with her you could bring her a bug in your mouth!"
Tommy: "It's true! Then she'd bite your head off. Which wouldn't be too big a departure."
Dad, upset with the younger kids who tracked snow into the house: "Would you guys please wipe your feet at the door? There is boot-juice all over the kitchen!"
Scooter was shivering in fear, during a flea bath, and Sammy decided to encourage her with "C'mon Scooter, it's ok...think BACON!"
Sam, 8, stopped vacuuming the family room floor, looked up and asked "Dad, what is a Freemason?"
Abby, holding a wedding photo of Mom and Dad: "This is a really nice picture, but why did you guys wear glasses like THAT?"
Dad was wearing gym clothes and making the kids breakfast when our cat suddenly nipped him on the calf. "S.O.B!!," a very surprised Dad yelled, only no initials were used. Abby sadly shook her head and said "Dad, Shadow is a very sensitive cat and doesn't like to hear such language."
Three of the kids got out early from school, so Dad took them to the Olive Garden for lunch. After ordering, Dad read Thea the dessert menu. When she heard "Black Tie Chocolate Pie," Thea chirped "Dad, you like Tie food!"
After lunch, Dad nixed dessert for Sam since he hadn't finished his spaghetti and meatballs. Sam objected, "Dad, the spaghetti and meatball half of my stomach is full, but the dessert half is empty!"
Abby, watching the movie "Monster House", looked up at one point and asked "Mom, do you know what a hairy-butt is?"
Sammy, after seeing Tommy spill a glass of wine: "Tommy just said the s-h-i-t word!!!"
Steve Tabatowski was making himself a turkey breast sandwich and Abby asked "Steve, did you use your computer for directions on how to make that sandwich?"
Dad was taking Abby to the dentist. Abby scolded Thea to get ready. Thea replied that she couldn't find her shoes.
Abby: "You don't need them. Let's go!"
Dad: "Abby, Thea needs her shoes. You have to wear shoes to a dentist."
Abby: "Dad, they KNOW us!"
Dad: "Thea has to wear shoes!"
Abby: "Then I am NOT GOING!"
Abby: "Dad, who has more kids...the Westerheides or us?"
Dad: "The Westerheides have 6 kids...we have seven, so we have one more."
Abby: "Cool! Who is it?"
Tommy, looking at expiration date on a carton of yogurt: "Hmmm, this expires on December the 13th and today is already the first of December. That's only 2 weeks away!"
Abby and Thea were wrestling when Abby shrieked "Ow, you kicked me in my nuts!"
Sammy, in the next room, chirped "Abby, you don't have nuts!"
Sam, now in the 2nd grade,complaining that today's kids have it far easier: "When I was in 1st grade we had a LOT more homework than Thea does this year. We had 60 times more homework in first grade than Thea does now!"
Sam, after passing a certain store in town: "It's not called "Mom's Club," it's not called "Dad's Club," or "Abby's Club." It's called "SAM'S CLUB!"
Thea: "Yeah? Well, I own ALL the thea-ters!"
Dad told Sammy not to call him an old man.
Sammy: "I'll stop calling you old man when you stop growing old!"
Thea: "Daddy, Sam called me 'Shut-Up!'"
Sammy: "'Shut-Up' isn't a name, you idiot!"
Tommy: "Thea, I bet if you stopped using that annoying baby voice then your teeth would grow in."
Tommy: "Thea, if you'd eat your vegetables your teeth would grow in."
Abby to Mom: "I'm going to tell you something that's really gross. It's so bad I'm going to cover my ears while I'm talking about it."
Sam to Thea: "Thea, you know something? 2nd grade is MUCH harder than first grade. They make you write in a journal every day!"
Abby: "Ian was bothering me on the bus. He acts like he's 13, but he's only 12!"
Abby to Dad: "Dad, you are walking like you just had your ears pierced!"
Abby: "Dad, you should be an Ohio State fan. After all, there aren't any Michigan Buckeyes!"
Today Dad heard a sound in the car that he had never heard before in a car, nor probably has anyone else. Two weeks ago, before we went on vacation, we bought a converter for the car's cigarette lighter so that the guys could charge their laptops while we made the 12 hour trek to South Carolina. Today on the way to school Mike was using that converter. He had a regular electric pencil sharpener plugged into the converter and was sharpening pencils on his ride into school.
Thea, while watching the movie "Annie": "Daddy, if you and Mommy die, what happens to us?"
Dad: "Well, Sweetiepie, Mommy and Daddy are probably going to live for a long, long time, but if we were to die then Mary and Steve would take over, so you don't have to worry."
Thea: "I don't like it when people die."
Dad: "I know, Thea, no one does."
Thea: "Daddy, what happens to us if you and Mommy die and then Steve and Mary die?"
Abby: "Dad, I need a wallet, because I have thousands of money and I have to scrunch it up to get it into my purse!"
Abby noticed a sign that read "School Bus Stop Ahead" and remarked soon afterwards "Dad, why did it say "School Bus Stop Ahead"? I don't see any schoolbus!"
Dad, Thea, Sam and Abby went to A&W's for lunch after swimming lessons. When they entered the restaurant the place was empty. Within minutes it filled up, however, because it was lunch time. Abby looked at the line of ten people and said "Dad, look at all those people! They copied us and came in here. I think it's because Sammy is magic!"
Sammy, after riding carnival rides for four straight nights at our local parish festival, fell asleep whimpering "I want carnival rides in our backyard!"
Abby, after watching construction workers work on the street: "Hey, Dad! Those workers should have permission before they work on the street!"
Dad: "Abby, they DO have permission."
Abby: "Well, They didn't ask me!"
Abby while waiting at the Drive-in window at the Steak'n Shake, pointed at the Steak'n Shake's slogan "Cook to order, not faster" and said "Look, Dad, I told you this is not a "fast food" place!"
Mike: "Hey Dad, I think i'm going to start a cult. I think I have the necessary charisma!"
Six year old Thea, indignant after arguing with eight year old Sam: "Daddy, can I turn ten RIGHT NOW?"
Sam: "Too bad, Thea! You can't control time!!!"
Abby and Mom were on a flight to San Francisco when they hit a little turbulence. Mom mentioned that Dad would be afraid. Abby replied "Well, you're his wife. You could comfort him!"
Thea, telling Abby of her trip to the beauty parlor "Distinctive Styles": "Abby, remember when we were at Stinkin' Styles?"
Abby: "Dad, you should go back to school and learn how to be a dentist. Then we could be RICH!"
Sam: "Daddy, on the next Father's Day, can you take just me to Subway and buy me a sandwich?"
Dad said something particularly silly. Mike groaned and said "Dad, this is why even Tibetan monks hate you."
Thea told Dad that she would be spending the night at her friend Nancy's house in Columbus soon. Dad asked if she would be afraid
Thea: "No, because they have a lava lamp!"
Dad took the kids to the Cracker Barrel for lunch. Looking around, Tommy remarked "The Cracker Barrel evokes a time better left to the past."
Dad was going to a Bar Mitzvah and came into the room dressed in a suit and tie. Sam looked up, blinked and said "Why are you dressed in funeral clothes?"
Tommy, at the pool while watching his younger brother and sisters take swimming lessons: "Water safety? I'll tell you how to achieve "water safety." STAY OUT OF THE WATER!
It's worked great for me for the past 10 years!"
Sam was telling his sisters about Arizona, a place he visited with Mom last year: "It's mostly desert!"
Abby: "What does that mean?"
Thea: "It means they have lots of desserts!!"
Sam finally allowed Thea to join in his war-games. A few minutes later Sam was overheard barking "This is a WAR, Thea, not a TANNING SALON!"
Abby, watching our contractor Toby work: "Dad, can you be cool like Toby and Mom be cool like Toby's wife?"
Sam: "Dad, where will they put you when you die?"
Dad: "In some cemetery somwhere. I'll leave that up
to your Mom."
Sam: "I want you to be put in the backyard!"
Dad: "Why?"
Sam: "So I can see you!"
Six year old Thea, ran up to 7 year old Sam, holding
a pair of his underwear and yelled "look, Sam,
I have your boxters!!!"
Sam: "Thea, there is no "t" or "d" in boxers."
Abby asks Mike what is inside of pop.
Mike: "Pop is made up of sugar and flavorings, but most of it is made
of water."
Abby: "Water? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Dad overheard this conversation in the back seat of his car:
Sammy: "At school I farted so loud, twice, that everyone in the room
laughed."
Thea: "I know! I heard it in the next room. And smelled it, too!"
Thea, shooting a toy gun at Mike: "You're dead for an hour!"
Sam: "I hate myself."
Dad: "WHY???"
Sam: "Because I'm young. I want to be an adult!"
Some reactions after not having air conditioning during a recent heatwave: Sammy: "Did Mom forget to pay the electric bill, or something?"
Abby: "When you were little and didn't have air conditioning, did you have windows?"
Mike: "How can you not pass out while cooking in this heat?"
Tommy: "Don't give me this "This is how it was when we were young." stuff. Your houses were better designed for air flow!"
Dad: "What air flow? Our houses were 7 feet apart!"
Abby, after Dad told her to answer the phone while he was in the shower: "Awwww, adults take way too many showers! Just put some cologne on and you will smell good!"
Tommy, talking to Thea about her report card: "Thea, we have to focus on your academics this summer."
Thea: "No, I'm going to a party right now, for real!"
Dad turned on a kids radio station in the car and a song about macaroni and cheese came on. Sam listened to the song and asked "Is this the Rolling Stones?"
Sammy must have said something to annoy Abby in the car because Abby replied "This is why we should not have Sammy in our family!! We should give him away for 10 bucks!"
Dad, trying to get the kids to hurry up in the morning: "C'mon, let's rock'n'roll!"
Abby: "How can we 'rock'n'roll' when we don't have any food?"
Dad, age 55: "Thea what is this coin?"
Thea, age 6: "A quarter!"
Dad: "And how many pennies are in a quarter?"
Thea: "25!"
Dad: "And what is this coin?"
Thea: "A dime!"
Dad: "And how many pennies are in a dime?"
Thea: "23!!"
Dad: "Abby, what were you doing?"
Abby: "My dance class teacher said that since I missed a step I have to write "hop back" fifty times on a sheet of paper."
Dad looked at the paper and saw the phrase "hop back 50 times" written 50 times.
Abby asks everyone at the dinner table, "Is it 'Two wrongs don't make a right' or is it "Two rights don't make a wrong'?"
Abby: "Dad! Thea just said the 'B-I-C-H' word!!!!"
Steve T: "Sammy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sam: "I want to be a football player, a basketball player and a science geek!"
Steve: "Hey, that sounds great, but you can just read some science books while you are a football or basketball player."
Mom was checking Sam's bookbag and found an assignment where Sam was obviously asked to write what he would do, if he were the President and Sam wrote: "If I was President I would play my PS2, XBox and GameCube!"
Dad showed Thea a photo of a House Wren and asked if she could guess which was the first letter in the word "wren."
Thea: "The letter 'R'!"
Dad: "No, but that's close. Try again."
Thea:"The letter 'B'?"
Abby: "It's not a hangNAIL, it's a hangSKIN."
Abby, on one of her school papers, was supposed to correct the following sentence: "brian he's gonna be a snake in the school play."
Abby's corrected sentence: "brian he's going to be a shark in the school play."
The cashier at WalMart held up a pack of what she thought was gum and asked Dad, "Do you want these left out, Sir?" "No," Dad replied, "I won't be needing any chicken bullion on the ride home, but thanks for asking!"
Tommy: "Dad, are you guys going to have a 30th anniversary party this summer? You really should. After all, no one knows how long either of you two will live!"
Dad ran into a friend in a local store. The friend remarked "It looks like Debbie and I will be going to Pre-Cana classes with you and Kathy soon." "Pre-Cana" is the program that engaged Catholics must enter before they get married in the Church and Mom and Dad administer Pre-Cana in their county for the two local parishes. The friend asked Dad to describe Pre-Cana and groaned when he was told that it was a 6 hour, one-time-only event. "Can't we do this, just you and me, Tom, at the local bar over a couple of beers?"
Abby, running into the room with a Christmas ornament that has the word "Dad" and the year "1988" painted on it: "Dad, is this from when you were a kid?"
Mom, to Dad: "I have an early appointment for a haircut. Tomorrow at 6 a.m.."
Sam: "I wish we had another cat. A female, so Shadow and it could get married!"
Abby: "Look, Dad bought brownies!"
Thea: "Yay! We're gonna be HYPER!"
Abby, holding up a Bic lighter: "Awwww, Dad....Tommy is gonna be in SO much trouble!!! He put this in with the forks and the knives!:
Abby: "Dad, why did Tommy go to Mary's wedding if he knew he wasn't going to dance?"
Abby: "I don't like Mommy! Why did she have to sell my clothes to Goodwill?"
Grandma, describing a person to Dad: "She was built like a shit-brickhouse!"
Sam was complaining that he didn't get enough steak. Abby shot back "If you die, Sammy, don't come crying to me!!"
Abby, concerned about our latest pets: "Dad, if there's a tornado and we have to run for it, we have to take the fish!"
Abby: "Do I have a birthday next year?"
Thea: "Daddy, who is my Step-Dad?"
Sam: "Dad, how do you make a baby?"
Dad: "Er, Mommies and Daddies get real close together and share their love!"
Sam, racing down the steps yells out to a giggling older brother "Mom and Dad get close together and share their love!!!"
Sam: "I'm taking control of this house on my birthday!!!"
Abby, commenting about Mom's 4 week Notre Dame trip: "Hey, Dad should feel worse than anyone! After all, he sleeps with Mom!"
Mike: "Hey, what's the name of that famous trumpeter?"
Dad: "Louis Armstrong?"
Mike: "No, that's not it."
Mom: "Al Hirt?"
Mike: "No, not him."
Mom: "Dave Brubeck?"
Abby: "It's not fair, Dad, that I have to go to bed. How come Scooter {our dog} gets to stay up???"
Abby, looking at a tree which was losing its blossoms: "Dad, this tree is not working anymore."
Tommy, in an argument with Dad: "95% of all statistics are exaggerated!"
Sammy: "Daddy, I got into trouble yesterday at school and they put me on 'red', but then I got out of trouble and I ended the day on 'green' ."
Dad: "Why were you on red?"
Sammy: "Because I used the 'n' word."
Dad: "What's the 'n' word?"
Sammy: "Nuts!"
Dad hung up the phone after talking to his mother. Abby then spoke up: "Grandma is your Mom ? That's very strange!"
Steve, to Mom in a heated exchange: "I love you guys, but I don't like you!"
Mike: "You re the stupidest Dad I have ever had but at the same time the smartest."
An agitated Abby: "Dad, you have to say something to Steve! He used the "L" word on me!"
Dad: "What is the "L" word, Abs?""
Abby: "You know! It starts with "h" and ends with "l!"
Dad overhears Abby telling Sam: "Sam, you think our Dad is weird but other Dads are worse. They yell like this: 'BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!!'"
Dad prompted Abby, who was behind a locked door, to start dressing for school. Abby indignantly replied "Dad, does it look like I am not ready???"
Abby to Steve: "Why are you putting sugar on your grapefruit? So you can be happily-ever-after sweetness?"
Abby: "Dad, why did you take down our Christmas Tree? It doesn't look like our house! It looks like a normal, disgusting house now!"
Dad, to Abby, on the way home from school: "Abby, do not snarl at me, please."
Abby: "I am not snarling! I am yelling!"
8 year old Abby after watching her 16 yr old brother Steve drive off to school: "Why can't I drive to school, too?"
Mike and Dad were on the way back from Irish Dancing in Columbus when Dad started hearing noises.
Dad: "Mike, listen! What are those noises? It sounds like they are coming from under the hood or something."
Mike: "I can't tell, Dad, sorry."
Dad, 10 minutes later: "Doggone it. Now I will have to make an appointment, take the car in, arrange a ride home and a ride back and probably be without my car for 2 days. WHAT THE HECK IS MAKING THAT NOISE?"
Mike: "Er, Dad....that noise is coming from your keychain smacking the steering column!"
Abby: "Dad, after Thea is a grown up are you still gonna name her 'Thea'?"
Abby, running up to Dad, holding a baseball cap: "Daddy, put this on! I don't want people seeing your bald head!"
Thea, after hearing Dad and Mike in the front seat talking about Christians: "There's a Christian in my class!"
Dad: "You have many Christians in your class, Thea."
Thea: "No, Only one!"
Abby: "Mike, how old were you when you were little?"
Abby, getting into the car at school: "I am NOT telling you that I was in trouble today and I am NOT telling you that I scratched somebody!"
Abby: "Kees Warren thinks his dad is stronger than you and, anyway, he's cooler than you because he has tattoos!"
Dad: "Thea, please brush your teeth."
Thea: "I want my PINK toothbrush."
Dad: "Well, it's not on the sink or in either drawer; I don't know where it is."
Thea: "YOU SELLED IT!"
Abby, walking in to complain about her school pants: "Dad, I can't wear these pants! There's a hole in one of the pockets!!! What if my pants fall off at school???? Everyone will see the hole!!!"
Dad pours Abby and Mike some apple juice on a hot day after school.
Mike sees Dad approach with 2 cups, a red one and a yellow one: "Can I have the yellow one?"
Abby: "Awwwww, I wanted the yellow one! I hate this red one. Get me another cup!"
Dad made her rephrase that last sentence, then brought her a brown cup, the same size as Mike's yellow one.
Abby: "I hate this cup! It's too small and it's an ugly color and"
Dad sent Abby to her room to cool off before hearing the third reason.
Dad, talking to Sears's recorded, automated Appliance Repair Center:
Sears automated voice: "Welcome to Sears! Please state the reason you have called."
Dad: "Appliance Repair."
Sears automated service: "Fine, Appliance Repair!!! Now, say which appliance needs repair."
Dad: "Dishwasher."
Sears: "Fine, computer monitor! If that's wrong, please say the appliance again."
Dad: "DISHWASHER!"
Sears: "Fine, Lawnmower!! If that's wrong, please say the appliance again."
Dad: "DISHWASHER!!!!!!!!!!"
Sears: "Please Hold."
Thea: "Dad, I need to have ears checked by the doctor. I can't hear out of this one and this one."
Dad, whispering from across the room: "Thea, can you hear me?"
Thea: "NO!!!!!!!"
Abby, watching the hungry cat follow Dad around the kitchen: "Shadow thinks you're his dad!"
We were driving down the freeway and saw a bus parked on the side of the road.
Abs: "Dad, why don't u stop & pick those people up?"
Sam: "No ,they might be strangers."
Thea; "Sammy, there are no strangers in this America."
Abby, after feeding the dog: "And now, where's my 20 bucks???"
Abby:"Can i watch TV upstairs?"
Dad:"No."
Abby: "Can I watch it downstairs?"
Dad: "No."
Abby: "Dad, let's sell the whole house. It's boring!"
Abby: "Dad, will you make us hot-dogs?"
Dad: "Sure, Abs."
Abby: "Thanks, Bro!"
Abby: "Dad, why do people live in such bad houses? That one has wood on the windows!!"
Thea: "Abby, that's because those people can't get out!"
We drove past an abandoned house that had an old couch and bags of garbage stacked in front and Thea chirped "Dad, look....someone is selling their stuff!"
Sam, correcting Dad: "In real life Spiderman does NOT drive a car!"
Abby: "Dad, the guys in the truck filled the holes in the street and I stepped in it and now it won't come off my feet!!!!"
Abby: "Dad, why are station wagons called "station" wagons?"
The answer to Abby's question is a complicated one.
Sam, to Mike: "If you don't stop, you will be meeting my new
friend...."Mr. Fist!"
Abby, after refusing to listen to Dad tell her to close the screen
door because the air conditioning was on: "Fine! Then I will call
my Godparents to come and get me!! I know their number!!!!"
Abby, after hearing Dad admonish Sam for using the word 'crap": "Dad, there are two ways to use the word "crap." The way Sammy used it is ok!"
Thea, helping Dad make his "Green Chili," a tomatillo, onion, cilantro and pork stew: "And can we put blueberries in there??"
Abby, in a discussion about babies: "I don't want to come out of a tummy ever ever again!"
Abby, putting the cat outdoors: "Any last words, Shadow?"
Abby: pleased with the way Dad cut her PB&J sandwich: "You see, Dad, you *can* cut on an angle like Mom! You just needed practice!"
Abby: "Who do you think is stronger? Me or someone else?"
Abby: "Dad, when we go to the country club you have to wear a hat because you are bald!"
Abby, shortly after she returned from Godmother Sheryl and Godfather Steve's house and upon hearing Dad tell her to turn offf the TV: "Fine, I want to go back to Sheryl's!!!"
Thea, running up to Mom to show her a fake credit card that Dad got in the mail: "MOM!! I have a credit card!!"
Abby: "Allright! Now, Thea can buy **anything** she wants!"
Abby: "Dad, does a heart attack hurt worse than a scraped knee?"
Abby: "Dad, why won't Mom let me get high heels? it's my feet!"
Abby, walking in from outside with Thea: "Mom, we have a new neighbor, a little girl, and she's lost her owner."
Sammy: "Dad, what is a spider?"
Dad: "A spider is an insect."
Sammy: "NOO! A spider is an arachnid!!"
Steve at school, 8:15 a.m., calling Dad who was at the gym, about to start his workout: "Dad, I wore the wrong pants to school. It is not a jeans day and I wore jeans. They won't let me into class. Please go home and bring me some school pants."
Abby, yelling to no one in general; "I couldn't find the chips, but Jamie told me where they are. Why does she have a good brain?"
Abby: "Dad, don't forget to wear your baseball hat. Then everyone will think you have hair!"
Thea, getting into our babysitter Jamie's rental car: "Ohhh! This is Jamie's rattle car!"
Abby, in response to Dad's refusal to stop for food on the way home from church because "we have enough food in the house. Let's eat that first": "Dad, you have to stop watching so much hockey. It makes you too mean."
Abby, taunting Tommy: "I'm gonna say a bad word, Tommy, and then I'm gonna tell Dad that YOU said it!"
Mike: "Hey, our Christmas tree is like Dad....it's fat and it's balding."
Sammy: "This REALLY sucks!"
Thea: "Don't say 'sucks', Sam."
Sam: "Thea, boys says 'sucks"...girls say 'beautiful.'"
Abby, telling Mom a "secret": "Mommy, when I was at Sheryl and Steve's house this summer they took me to the zoo and I saw the monkey scratching his b-u-t!"
Thea, walking up to Dad: "Dad, look....Scooter killed a mouse!"
Thea then proceeded to open her hand, showing Dad the dead mouse.
Sammy: "Can I take Uncle Henry's sword to school to show my buddies? I won't kill anybody!"
Dad, spying Thea running thru the kitchen with a bottle of Ranch dressing: "Thea, what are you doing?"
Thea: "I need sauce for my carrots!"
Sammy: "Daddy, I am bleeding!"
Thea: "Where are you bleeding??"
Sam: "Sideways!"
Dad was dozing on the couch about 45 minutes after returning from a 3 day trip to Detroit with the kids. Abby walked in, hands on her hips, and asked "Dad, can we please go somewhere and do SOMETHING? I am bored!"
Dad gets a phone call from Steve, who was taking a bath down the hall in Mom and Dad's bathroom: "Dad, do we have any clean towels?"
Dad saw Steve's buddies pull up in their car and tells Abby "Abby, run down and tell Steve that his snot-nosed friends are here." Abby then ran down to Steve's room, knocked on the door and said "Steve, snot-nosed is here!"
Dad put a dishcloth into the wrong drawer. Thea opened the drawer, took it out and put it in the next drawer, proclaiming "That doesn't live in this drawer. It lives in THIS ONE!"
Thea, running inside the house on the Third of July: "Daddy! I just heard a REALLY BIG graham cracker outside!"
Thea, after watching Dad bury a dead bird: "Daddy, how do we take the bird to heaven?"
Thea: "Sam," pointing to the local jail, "that's where they keep the bad guys. We're not bad guys."
Sam: " We're good guys!!"
Thea: "And they have to stay in that jail until they get nice!"
Abby, talking to Austin who is also adopted: "Yes, I am adopted, too. Do you know Steve and Sheryl? (Abby's Godparents)... She is my....how do you say it? Fairy mother?"
Sam, looking in the window of our local Army-Navy Surplus Store and seeing a bejewelled dagger on display: "Dad, I want that sword!"
Thea, quickly responding: "And I want a Barbie sword....a pink Barbie sword!"
Thea: "Jamie, what is that scar on your knee?"
Jamie: "That was an accident that happened when I was little, Thea."
Abby: "YOU were little???"
Abby: "Jamie, after my Dad gets home from his birding trip we are getting a kittie!!!"
Thea, jumping in: "No, we are getting a kitten, not a kittie!"
Jamie: "Thea, a kitten is the same as a kittie."
Thea: "I know, Jamie, and I'm GOING OUTSIDE!" The door slammed and out she went.
Abby, reading the numbers on our mailbox: "Five-One-Seven-Five!"
Sam, rather agitated: "No, Abby!!!! It's Five-Seventeen-Five!!"
Dad, after sneezing nunerous times: "Mike, did i ever tell you that I hate sneezing?"
Mike: "Did I ever tell you, Dad, that I can't stop not caring?"
Mom, in a phone call to Dad: "Bobo, could you please bring me either a black or a brown shoe to work, please?"
Steve, watching college basketball with Sam: "Sammy, do you like brown guys or white guys?"
Sam: "Brown and white guys!"
Abby, telling her friends that would not go out to play: "I'm waiting for Dad to wake up from his nap to take me to buy a bike!"
Mike, reading the ingredients of some fruit juice he was drinking: "Dad, listen to this. "Contains real fruit flavor," but it also says "This product contains no fruit juice."
Abby: "Mom, how old was Mikey when he was a tiny baby???"
Dad, in another room, overhears Sam telling Thea, "Bea, you are not my friend anymore!!!"
Abby, pointing to Dad's computer: "Dad, do you know how to speak in Spanish on that thing?"
Abby, complaining about her friend Alexis: "Dad, can't we move to a place where Alexis can't find me?"
Thea, after strapping plastic bags around her feet: "Daddy, look! I have feet gloves!"
Thea and Sam were watching Spiderman and Dad heard Thea patiently explaining: "Sammy, if you bump him in the head, then he will be died!"
Abby, after hearing her booming voice echo off the house below: "Thea, come quick! I heard my shadow!!!!"
Abby: "Dad, what's wrong with this weather? It was raining a minute ago, and now it's snowing!"
Mommy: "Thea, do you want to be a doctor like me when you grow up?"
Thea: "Yes, I want to be a PINK doctor!"
Abby let Scooter, our dog, into the house on a snowy day: "Dad! Look! Scooter made DOG footprints!!!"
Steve, runs in to tell Dad his big news: "Dad, I just got back from bowling and, guess what? I threw 7 strikes , finishing the game with three straight!!!"
Dad: "Wow!! What was your final score???"
Steve: "Er, 145!"
Sammy, to Tommy: "Tommy, let's play hide and go seek! You count and I'll go hide in the closet!"
Thea, pointing at a group of female OSU cheerleaders on TV during the recent Championship game: "That's me! And that's Abby! And that's Mary! And that's my mom!"
Abby, looking at a photo of Mary as a baby: "Look! Mary's all grown up to a grown up!"
Abby: "Dad, do NOT let Thea brush her hair with this brush because I just used it and she will get lice!"
A startled Dad: "What, you have lice????"
Abby: "No!!"
Abby: "Oh yeah, Mike? Well, what's 10 plus 13?"
Mike: "Ten plus thirteen is twenty three, Abby."
Abby: "Nuh, uh.....ten plus thirteen is forty five."
Mike: "Wrong, Abby, it's twenty three."
Abby: "It's 45 and my Dad will believe me!!!"
Abby, at our Christmas Eve dinner: "Dad, I am eating so much good food that I am going to be delicious!"
Abby: "Why did Jesus have to make me so itchy?"
Dad told the kids that he was leaving for a few hours to have a test taken at the hospital. Abby then very seriously informed Dad that "Dad, you can go to the hospital to take a test, but 'member that you are not apposed to copy off of anyone!"
Thea, as Dad and she are about to go up to the fourth floor to see the doctor: "I wanna push the alligator button!"
Abby: "Daddy, I used to be afraid of flushed toilets, but I'm all growed up and I'm ready to Rock'n Roll!"
Sam walks into the house, on December the 19th, and insists that "Daddy, I NEED to water the grass and the flowers!"
Thea, spying a movie which had a teen couple madly kissing: "That's my mommy and that's my daddy!"
Faye asks if Thea wants "soup with that?"
Thea: "Yes, but I don't want soup!."
Mommy walked in from work at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night and Abby exclaimed in joy: "Mommy! You are the bestest Mom and I am gonna keep you!"
Thea, after watching. and hearing, Dad pour out some mustard: "The mustard farted!"
Abby: "Dad, I will not wear my blue gloves to school anymore! All the kids want to rub on them!!"
Abby, to Mom: "I' m gonna pray for Grandpa and I'm gonna pray for Jesus, but i am NOT gonna pray for skunks!"
Abby, telling Mom that she wants Mary to sleep with her: "If Mary sleeps with me, then I will have good dreams!"
Dad, ordering at the Golden Arched drive-thru: "I'll have one 6 piece chicken nugget, 2 small fries and one broccoli soup, please."
Thea, incredulously : "Broccoli soup????"
Sam, contemptuously: "YUK!"
Abby: "Hey, Thea! I used to have a grandpa, but he died! So now {pointing to Dad} I have *THIS* Dad!"
Dad was passing out drinks around the breakfast table, leaving Sam's cup for last, when Abby spoke up "Daddy, Sammy wants apple juice, too!"
Mike responded: "Abby, don't be impatient for other persons needs."
Thea, seeing Michelle, our housecleaner, walk in with a newly dyed haircut: "Michelle, what's your hair doing?"
Thea, wanting to get out of her car-seat: "Daddy, let me out!"
Dad: "No, babygirl, the policewoman or man will stop us and give Daddy a ticket. A ticket is a bad thing."
Thea: "A ticket?"
Dad: "Yes, a ticket is a sheet of paper that the police gives mommies and daddies when they do bad things and then the mommy or daddy has to pay money."
Thea, who can always bring any subject around to her favorite color : "Is it pink?"
Babci, philosophizing about 'raunchy': "Like it or not, raunchy makes the world go round."
Dad. calling Mom at work at 7:37 a.m., with school starting at 8 a.m.: "I can't find my keys and I've looked everywhere. Do you know where they are? The kids are going to be late!"
Mom: 'Your keys? Oh no! They're in my purse!"
Thea, seeing the "Red Lobster" sign as the car passed by: "Jamie, look! A crabster!"
Jamie: "No, Thea, that's not a "crabster;" that's a "lobster!"
Sam: "No! That's not a lobster! That's a CRABSTER!"
Jamie, our babysitter, to Dad: "Tom, you know those places that sell tires, like NTB?"
Dad: "Yes?"
Jamie: "Well, do they put the tires on, too?"
Abby: "Dad, When I went to camp with Jamie, not our babysitter Jamie but my cousin Jamie, they had a deer's head on the wall and it's not 'posed to be there and it scared me!!!"
At Sunday Mass, after communion, the most sacred and intimate part of the service, Steve suddenly leans across and whispers rather urgently to Dad: "Dad, Batman is the lamest of all the SuperHeroes!" Dad, lost in his toughts: "Huh?" Steve: "Yeah, Think about it! He has nothing!!! He's so lame!!!"
Thea, overheard speaking to Sam: "I am NOT a dork! I am Thea!
Steve: "Sam, are you black or brown?"
Sam: "Brown!!"
Steve: "What's better, brown or white?:
Sam: "Brown!!!"
Dad: "Sam, will you marry a brown girl or a white girl?"
Sam: "Hat!!!"
Dad, driving down the street and realizing he left his sunglasses at home: "Darn it, we have to go back to get my sunglasses because it so glarey out here." Steve: "Forget it, Dad. We will be late. Just shut your eyes!"
Abby, thinking about school which is about to start: "I don't want to be 6 yrs old; I don't want to be 7 yrs old; I don't want to be 8 yrs old; I want to be 2 yrs old!!!
Abby to Sam: "Sammy! Do not say the word 'shit!' Only Daddy can say that word!!!"
Abby: "Dad, when I'm going to be 7, I still want to be 6 and a half!"
Dad, to Jamie {our babysitter and Dad's right hand man}: "Boy, do I need a nap. The whole day has been pointing towards this nap and as sure as you can hear that train coming over the hill, you can't see it, but you KNOW it's in the neighborhood!"
Mike: "Dad, if you had said that in public I would have been very embarrassed."
Dad stopped at a store in buy some ice tea on a very hot and muggy day and stood behind a little elderly lady who was buying lottery tickets.
Lady: "I'll take 2 super lottos and three micro lottos with a kicker."
Clerk: "Was that 2 with 3 kickers or 2 kickers and 3 straight?"
Lady: "I want 3 red kickers and fill the rest with super lottos."
At that moment the clerk looks at Dad and makes a "I give up' face while, almost at the same moment, the lady looks and makes a "he is so stupid" face.
Dad: "Er, don't look at me, you two! I don't even know what a kicker is!"
Lady, looking again at Dad: "I'll kick *YOU* in the butt!"
Abby, running breathlessly into the room: "DAD! It's not fair!!!! Alexis says you are not my real Daddy and that I am in-dopted!!!"
Dad, playing basketball with Steve {and losing}: "Time Out!!! A bird just pooped on my head!!" Steve, thinking this was just another of Dads usual ruses to catch his breath, replied, "C'mon, Dad, no time outs! Play through!." Dad, looking at the poop after he touched it, "Hey, it's a Cedar Waxwing!!!"
Abby: "If you don't see a snake, don't pick it up."
Dad, to Mike: 'When we were kids, we couldn't wear tennis shoes to school.'.....Mike: "Yeah, that's because thread hadn't been invented yet."
Abby: "Daddy, how old do you have to be to eat strawberry ice cream?"
Dad flipped on that golden oldie 'Strange Magic' by E.L.O. on the car's cd player. Thea chirped: 'I Like that song!' Sam immediately trumped 'I HATE IT! IT'S DUMB!
Steve: 'Dad, listen to this! I figured out how to make money! I will put an ad in the paper, telling people to write in for information on how to get rich. I will charge 2 dollars, and when I get their money, I'll send back a sheet of paper, telling them to put an ad in the paper!' .....Dad replied: 'Son, you have a very scary mind.
Thea walks into the room and announces to all that 'my fault is coming up!'
Thea walks up to Dad and says 'Faye is going to be mad at me.'...{translated that means she went into Faye's room}
Thea to Mom: 'I'm Thea and you are you!"
Thea to Dad: 'PUT THIS DRESS ON ME!!!'...Dad replied: 'Thea, you must ask me nicely to put the dress on you.'...Thea to Dad: 'PUT THIS DRESS ON ME NICELY!!'
Abby: breaking the silence in the car: 'Daddy! Busses DO fart!!!!'
Abby, upon seeing a Chuck E. Cheese ad on TV: 'Mommy, I wanna go back to the Macaroni and Cheese Place!
Sam, upon seeing the huge Christmas Star and cascading lights high atop our local hospital: 'Dad!!! A VOLCANO!!'
Abby, after getting into a spat with Tommy: 'dad, don't you think Tommy should go home??'
Abby: 'Thea, let's go to our room where we won't have to listen to our mom!'
Abby to her mom: 'I LIKE having a mom and a dad!
Sam to Dad: 'Daddy! Thea pooped on your computer table!'...{it got worse...Sam failed to report that he had rubbed the computer's mouse through the mess, compounding the problem by factors of ten.}
Sam and Thea were watching a Hotwheels commercial on TV. Thea yelled out, "I want that!"....Sam replied "No, Thea, you are a girl!"....Thea replied "No, I'm not. I'm Thea!"..... .....
Sam, running into the room and waving a finger he had just banged against the wall: 'Owwwwww! My favorite finger!'
Steve, running up the stairs at 7:25 a.m. {a mere five minutes before we walk out the door to school} 'Dad! Ryan just messaged me!! We don't have school!!! There's been a huge water main break in town and all the schools are closed!!!'....
Thea, upon seeing a deer grazing by the side of the road: 'A COW!!!' Which reminds me of when Steve was that age and saw the tank of Lobsters in the supermarket and yelled: "Dad! Dolphins!!!"
Mike asks Dad what goes on in the 'Big Brothers/Big Sisters' office. Dad: 'Oh, they coordinate volunteers to help single parent families. Let's say that a single mom has a son. They would set up a guy-volunteer to do things with the boy., often traditionally male things.' Mike: 'Oh, you could join and then visit them and fall asleep on on the couch!'....Steve: 'No! Dad would go in the house, head staight to their computer and update his web sites.'
Faye asks Tom to read her school paper....Tom reads this line: 'And their love grew like a vegetable.'
Sam, alone in the kitchen: 'C'mon Ladybug...Get off the table!'
Abby, in a conversation with our babysitter Jamie: 'Jamie, Can I have your extra Chapstick?'...Jamie: 'No, Abby, I left it at home.'...Abby: 'It's Ok, Jamie. You drive home and get it right now. I will watch the kids.'
Babci, commenting on the success of the Arizona Diamondbacks baseball team: 'Hey, how about those Razorbacks!!' Dad, trying to understand Babci's sudden interest in the University of Arkansas Razorbacks, who are not doing all that well: 'Huh?'
Abby to Mom: 'You can't eat the big watermelon, because you don't have the big mouth!'
Abby, singing God Bless America: 'Stand Beside Her, Inside Her'
Mike: 'Dad, there's one thing that every word in the English language has. What is it?'......Dad: 'A letter?'....Mike: 'No, a vowel!'.....Dad: 'What about the word 'pfft''? ....Mike: 'That's not a word.'......Dad: 'Well, The Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd edition, does indeed define 'pfft,' dating back to a Kipling verse of 1923'.......Mike: 'I don't care if it's in the dictionary, it's not a word!'
Sam, who has been coughing a bit lately: 'I have a sick mouth.'
Thea races up to Dad holding a ladle and triumphantly shouts 'A FORK!!!'
'Mr. Tabatowski? Mike's x-rays are right here. He's broken both wrists'
Thea, being chased from room to room by Sam, runs breathlessly up to Jamie and yells: 'Help Thea, Jamie!'....Sam running in immediately behind her sneers 'Crybaby!'
Dad, pointing at the tongue of Abby's shoe, asks: 'What is this part of the shoe called?'.....Abby: 'The Handle!'
Dad making a bowl of oatmeal, asks Uncle Henry if he wants some as well. Uncle Henry replies: 'Tom, No one has ever answered 'yes' to that question.'
Mike: 'Dad, I know the capitals of every country on earth.' Dad: 'Oh yeah? What's the capital of Japan?' Mike, pausing to think for a second: 'Uhmmm...J!'